In Limbo

Things haven’t exactly been a bed of roses. I guess it has finally hit me that I have issues in the baby department. I have always been the kind to keep my spirits up and keep myself pre-occupied, I mean really pre-occupied – work, Lola, bakes, accounts, web, housework, making plans with family and friends; you name it and I’ll do it, just try to keep myself busy. I guess it’s coz I don’t want to be a time where I’ll think and when I think, it gets kind of sad/depressing. I’ll keep pondering on how my life is going to turn out.

I thought that with the reserved eggs I have after doing my IVF would help after the failed pregnancy, well, it didn’t. Many people were telling me that usually after a miscarriage, it’ll be easier for me to get pregnant, well, after 1 year, it didn’t get any easier. When people tell me that it’s just not my time yet, well I have been telling myself that for the past 6 years and it still hurts. I try to act all tough & fine when I see babies popping up everytime on my FB newsfeed or news about friend/relatives getting pregnant, well I’m not fine. I am truly happy for them coz I know they have their own trials and tribulations while trying to conceive, but still I am not fine! I may sound whiny but that’s the truth! No one ever said it’s going to be this hard!

I wonder how those people do it… Many will tell me to Redha and have faith in HIM for HE knows better. I do have faith in HIM. But I am only human. There are days that I will falter and question HIM. Why me! Why! Why! Why! What didn’t help was that the husband and I got into an argument and hurtful words were exchanged vice versa. In that heated argument, we just gave up on Dr. Aziz’s process. I just didn’t call to follow up when I should and he didn’t even make an effort to remind me to. It just made the process even harder. Life has been in limbo since… just doing things as they come and not thinking far for now.

Recently, I let out how I felt on an online motherhood forum and the support that came in was overwhelming. Some of the things shared by these strangers were much more heartbreaking. They were giving me words of motivation, even when they had clearly gone through much more than I did. So whatever I went through, I’m sure there are others who have gone through worse and yet they keep on trying… 🙁

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