Come to a point in life where I feel that I kinda need to tone down being a people pleaser (I think I am one by nature). It has always been in me to go all out for anyone that I’m close with but I dunno… I’ve been having this kinda feeling for the past month or so. Not too sure why but it’s been kinda taxing mentally, emotionally and physically that I just want to shut out completely from everyone.

Someone said to me before that got me thinking (this is gonna bite back to me in one way or another), that I don’t really have someone that I could relate or let out to now. Don’t get me wrong, I have the most amazing – 5 girlfriends and a 1 guy friend, who have been there for me through thick and thin, through my best, my worst, my highs and my lows. Never afraid to just tell me in my face. I geddit that each and every one of us are busy with each other’s individual lives but how often do you get someone just texting or calling and ask you “Hey, how are you? or How’s life?”… I can’t recall when was the last time that I met up with someone over coffee and just let the world pass by. Heck I may be guilty myself. I don’t know how to quite explain it.

It’s like a rat race out there where you have to work and prove yourself and by the time you get back home, you just want to do nothing, too tired. I don’t even have kids of my own yet and I’m already feeling like this. How do the other ladies do it – juggle work, life, kids and their own me-time. I guess different people handle it differently – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, etc. I’m guess that it could also be that I used to have too many skeletons in my closet but before anyone judges, I must say that it’s already gone *poof* into thin air for quite a while now. Seriously, I’m not even too sure what I’m rambling about but it’s just what I have been feeling for a while now.

Those who know me knows that I’m always the bubbly, happy-go-lucky and capable of not showing what I’m actually feeling inside. It could also be from the expectations of wanting a complete family. Though no one is doing it but I feel the fingers are pointed at me for the situation. People say and I keep telling people with a smiley face, it’s not yet time. HE knows better. But heck, I am after all a woman and I do have feelings too. I know of some people who have been trying for years and are still waiting. Some who got married just recently, some who doesn’t want it yet and some couldn’t care less and tadaaaaa, they have it. Not too sure where I went wrong – from the point of time in 1998 when I realized I had PCOS till now. So many things that I have tried and I’m still trying but in vein for now. I’m not saying that I’m giving up but it’s just taxing thinking about it. Hence the many many activities that I am doing just to keep myself pre-occupied. Some people might think that I have it all but I don’t. I recalled a harmless remark a friend made, that had an impact coz it’s been etched in my head since then “What do you get for someone who has everything?” I do question myself – do I have everything? Do I really perceive myself like that to the people around me.

Oh well, don’t mind me, just wanted to jot this down. As some of the gfs would joke, “Don’t judge ok!” :p