Whenever I plug in my Spotify these days and listen to the surah Yaseen that I had playing on the 3 nights that I was admitted in KKH, I couldn’t help but to start crying and recall everything.

I went through a normal delivery that early Friday morning and gave birth to my twins. The boy, Ayrie Zikri and then followed by Alya Daamia. Later on when the husband arrived, we managed to see them all cleaned up before being brought down to the mortuary. They had their features fully formed. Alya was so fair and smaller in size as compared to Ayrie. I was heartbroken but I chose to remain calm in front of my parents and husband.

Upon getting an early release from KKH, my family members arranged the funeral for my twins. I was adamant that I wanted to be around for the funeral so they arranged for them to be buried arnd 2pm at Pusara Aman.

Being on bed rest for the past 3 days, it was difficult for me to get up, take a shower and get dressed. The world seemed to spin around a lot. I am thankful to have family and friends who came that morning and accompanied me at the hospital and till the whole funeral was over.

I am especially thankful to my mum, Ayu (Azhar), Dayah (Esan) and Hana (brother’s fiancee) for cleaning up the house and attending and looking out for me, making sure I am rested and eating my medication before going for the funeral. Nan is especially grateful to his close friends who went out of their way to take urgent leaves from their jobs to be around both of us.

The men procceeded with their solat jumaat while the ladies brought me back home. After solat jumaat, the babies were claimed from the mortuary by 1.45pm and then the husband picked me and some relatives up from CCK to Masjid Pusara Aman.

We made our way to Masjid Pusara Aman to mandikan the janin. Nan’s relatives and friends were around and ushered us to the area. There I saw my 2 babies laying down being cleaned and prepared for the funeral. i held on close to my husband and both of us started to cry. I can’t describe the feeling but it was overwhelming to see and hear him cry.

The ustazah told us to redha and that we are lucky to have these 2 waiting for us at the gates of heaven. She went on saying how big they are and that their features were fully formed, hands and legs are seperated and not webbed. How fair Alya was and how tall Ayrie was. We got to touch them for the last time, we managed to kiss them for the last time before being covered. It was an undescribeable feeling. The ustazah was asking if we wanted to put them in a box and carry ’em to the burial grounds. But we opted to carry them instead. I carried Alya and Nan carried Ayrie.

Alhamdullilah the twins were safely buried. All I could do now is hope and pray that they are safe. That both the husband and I are strong enough to go through our lives.

It’s true what they say that it really takes a tragedy to find out who are actually your family members, relatives and friends really are. I’ve never asked for people to stop, drop their lives but showing a lil’ empathy goes a long way in times of need.

If the tables were turned, would that kind of reaction from yourself be the way you want people to treat you in your times of need?

For now, I am remembering them by their ultrasound images, their kicks and movements in my womb, the memory of their faces and features and insya-allah seeing them again one day. We’ll take each day as it comes…

Al-fateha.